When I was four years old my younger sister died. According to my father, I started to keep everything. I did not get rid of stuff. I cannot remember that I had a change of behavior and therefore have to believe it. It seems that the loss of my sister made me want to avoid further losses. I didn’t make any decision to get rid of stuff because those are final decisions. And who am I to make a final decision?

I remember I kept things like a corner that had ripped off a picture. Unable to get rid of stuff like that I kept everything neat and tidy in the drawer of my desk. I was very tidy and could account for everything I owned and took responsibility for it. Repairing the picture and putting the corner where it belonged was not possible. However, it seemed wrong to me to get rid of stuff like this miniature piece of paper as I didn’t know if I had the permission of the picture to partly throw it away. And it was my fault the corner had ripped off, my responsibility, I felt guilty. Throwing the picture itself out was nothing I considered but there was no good reason for keeping it either. I somehow believed I had to keep everything just because it was mine.

My stuff is my responsibility

To me, my things were and are my responsibility. To get rid of stuff meant to me to pass on or get rid of responsibility. I didn’t understand how I could be responsible if I get rid of stuff. That stuff was then out of reach so how could I take care of it? I didn’t want to hurt my things. Instead respected and treated my belongings like humans and animals.

I had no issues throwing out packing material and got rid of stuff like that. I could throw out the empty cartridges for my collection of fountain pens. But no pieces like the corner of this picture that I had damaged … This was part of my stuff that I felt responsible for. It was a display of my inability to take enough or proper care. And a problem I could not solve. My responsibility was to fix it but I was unable to do so.

Stuff, especially novels, to escape reality

I tried what I could to get away from my parents but no-one took me seriously. I was condemned to live with them …

Once I could read I escaped into the world of novels and read thousands of books … Somehow a way to get rid of reality. I had my stuff around me that I was responsible for, was kind with my stuff and did my very best.
My cactus died. It turned brown so I watered it more. Only then I realized I had drowned it and it was brown because it was rotting away. I got rid of it because I couldn’t rescue it. I cried when I discovered what I had done to it by trying to take good care. The cactus is gone but I still have the memory and feel guilty for having killed my cactus 30 years ago. My cactus and I spent countless sleepless nights on the windowsill looking out the window together with the cat when I was still in elementary school.

What I had were the cat and my stuff. We were caught in this house full of enemies. Without friends or relatives in reach. The cat fur dried my tears every night until she died when I was 12. My soft toy cat had to dry even more tears from then on. And the new cat wasn’t as loyal … I lived in the world of my novels and cried when I had to face and spend time with the people in the house.

Unless you get rid of stuff it stays with you

Besides the cactus that I killed and got rid of, my stuff never disappeared. Several humans died in this time, many moved away. I accumulated thousands of books over the years and they were always there. My stuff stayed with me, very loyal and reliable.
We have to actively get rid of stuff. Otherwise, it stays with us. Even a book I got for my birthday that my mother had chosen for me and that I didn’t want to read at all and didn’t read stood on the shelve. It became my responsibility when I got it and that although I didn’t want it at all, I actually hated it and the fact that my mother had chosen it and ignored my wishes. I didn’t want the responsibility for this book but saw no other way but to keep it anyway …

Let’s learn more about why it is so hard to get rid of stuff.

There are several reasons for it. Some of them are more relevant to us due to our personality than others. But we all have two in common: The endowment effect and the loss aversion. Let’s start by investigating these two further.

Our behavior and instincts towards our stuff are irrational and that is normal. Our instincts try to prevent us from losing and getting rid of stuff. If we follow them, we make completely irrational decisions and keep even things we don’t like. We really have to look closely and do the maths to pick up on how our instincts mislead us. If we want to get rid of stuff our instincts are a trap to be aware of.

Endowment effect aka divestiture aversion

We are talking about the psychological side, why it is hard to get rid of stuff. It is essential that we understand the endowment effect. Endowment effect means, that we ascribe more value to items just because we own them. And this is even true on items randomly given to us that we might not even like. Many experiments have been conducted and show that it really comes down to the mere ownership. Even if a certain object is in sight and close to us we tend to give it a higher value as if we are far from the object. Hence, we don’t want to get rid of it, we want to keep it.

I know from my own experience that the endowment effect is true and I am sure you had situations when you wanted to sell something and the buyer wouldn’t want to pay anywhere near what you were asking for it.

Who is realistic about our stuff?

The endowment effect is hovering above us even if there are other reasons coming into account. The endowment effect is always there! That explains a lot why others are so much more prepared to get rid of stuff that belongs to us than we are. And why we find it easier to get rid of stuff that belongs to someone else while we hang on to this mug with the broken handle that we bought in a dollar store during our studies many many years ago … We could get easily get rid of such stuff if it belonged to someone else, right? We could see its true value: None! A broken mug without value so let’s get rid of stuff like that, easy – but only as long as it doesn’t belong to us.

Are you aware that this is a strategy often used in advertisements? The 30-day-free-trial? After we have a product for 30 days, we are more likely to keep it because we already have ownership. Marketing knows that … They would not be spending billions of dollars if they didn’t know that it works … But do we consumers know it just as well?

Loss aversion stops us from getting rid of stuff

Let’s dive straight into the second topic that causes us to act completely irrational: Loss aversion. We feel the negative impact of losing something more than twice as hard as the positive impact of gaining something. Therefore we try to avoid losses harder than making gains and in a totally irrational manner. Imagine we are driving down the crowded freeway and the hat we just won at a fair flies out of the window. We are tempted to stop and get it off the road although it is incredibly dangerous. We don’t want to lose it let alone get rid of stuff that way. Compare it to the risks you would have taken to get the hat in the first place? Probably none, because it is an ordinary hat, even a cheap one. But at the time of the loss, it was ours!

Bets and loss aversion

If we are offered a bet on tossing a coin and are told we win $10 when it is head and lose $10 if it is tails, we won’t take the bet. It’s a 50% chance we win $10 but we don’t want the pain of losing $10. To be prepared to accept the pain It has to be at least a $20 win against the $10 loss for us to take the bet. This is one way of measuring that we feel losses about double as strong as gains … If losing is already that hard to consciously get rid of stuff is accordingly harder.

Endowment effect and loss aversion go hand in hand, they are brain biases and designed for quick and strong decisions in a hunting and gathering surrounding. They are good friends and they mess with our brains and feelings. We really need to understand them well as they trick us constantly into acting irrationally. They are the most important reasons why it is hard to get rid of stuff.

Get rid of stuff and lose your status symbols

People all over the world use things as status symbols. The purpose of a status symbol is to show the position the owner is holding in society, the degree of education or the belonging to a certain social group. They are different in every culture and age. A kid in Germany might show off a LEVI’s jeans while an adult in New Zealand might show off his 4WD campervan. We certainly don’t want to get rid of stuff we worked for so hard and show it off.

Advertisement tells us what supposedly is good for us, what we should own and work for: An expensive car, a big house, designer clothing and so forth. Replace those items to match them to your culture – it is still the same topic. It is not about the things themselves, but their function and what they are meant to display. But no matter where you are and what you are told. Remember that advertisement promotes sales. And companies advertise to make money, not to help us, they help themselves to more money.

We want to believe people look up to us

Many people react with envy comparing themselves with monetary rich and wealthy people. They believe this is what life’s about and something to strive for and the stuff they own indicates if they made it or not. So many people pursue a career to make money to buy this stuff. And their lives start to turn around those things. Working to buy them, working more to pay them off, working to maintain them and once they get old to replace them. And they become a slave of those things. And it would not cross their minds to get rid of stuff.

But people see our stuff first

Changing our behavior in this situation when we believe people look up to us and getting rid of stuff means we have to face ourselves. Superficial people that looked up to our things turn away. We notice who likes us for who we are and not our things. The more items we get rid of, the more the question comes to the surface who we really are. We suddenly have time to think about it especially if we quit that career that only served the purpose of earning the money to keep those things we no longer have.

We are vulnerable without stuff

Our stuff forms and functions as a protecting wall between us and other people. All attention is on us once there is no boat to talk about anymore and how much it cost. Once we have no things anymore we are judged for who we are, how we act, not for our Ferrari and the seasonal Hugo Boss suit. With owning this Ferrari and putting it between us and others it is meant to tell them that we are doing good, that our life is great. It serves as a wall. What’s behind this wall comes to the surface once the walls are gone … It is us, we start to show. Once we got rid of stuff it is down to us as persons with strengths and weaknesses, our interaction with our surrounding, what we say and do, our views of the world.

Our stuff gives us a false sense of security

It is hard to get rid of the false sense of security that our belongings give us. Therefore it is hard to get rid of those belongings themselves. We might believe it is good to have them because one day we might need them. We might just one day get 15 visitors at once and need those four sets of wine glasses we keep in the closet. Brand new and in the original boxes since we bought them cheaply at a closing sale! I mean, you better keep them, because you never know, do you?

It gives us a false sense of being prepared for events. We are neither realistic about the likelihood of those events to happen nor are we usually psychologically prepared for them. Because if we reach that stage of keeping things “just in case” our main focus is already on the things and not the people and our connection with others anymore. If we get rid of stuff and have real friendship we learn that it’s not the stuff and a wine glass that matters to the friend that visits us – or we find out they are not friends.

Buying nice stuff makes us feel good – very briefly

Buying something we like gives us this tingling sensation of happiness. It is only temporarily so we keep repeating to gather more little sensations. Most items we gather like that end up in the corner and we forgot them once the initial joy wears off. The brand new iPhone we waited in line for the whole night to be amongst the first to get their hands on it, turns into “just another phone” only weeks after we initially got it. If we get rid of stuff the feeling of loss is stronger and lasts longer than the initial joy of getting it.

We believe we are in control of our stuff

It seems as if we are in control if we keep our stuff. We decide, to keep things, or to get rid of stuff. Other humans die, argue, leave us or disappear. But we get comfort from knowing our stuff stays with us for as long as we like and that gives us the sense of control and security. We don’t tend to think about fires and other disasters that can take our stuff from us. It is this false sense of security as if we are in charge because we believe we are in control with our decision not to get rid of stuff. And as we see this reliability of our stuff as a friend we cling on to it and really have a hard time to part with anything.

Our stuff tells our history

Many items we already have for a long time trigger memories and emotions. They remind us of our past experiences, the competitions we won and the people we lost. It’s hard to get rid of stuff that tells our history. It seems as if we remove our history together with those items. We still remember those items in the situations we used them, feel the way we felt in the past when we look at them now. This is true for the wedding dress as well as the first pair of shoes from our grown up child.

Clothes that don’t fit

In many cases, our clothes are a display of what used to fit us well when we were young and slim. They turn into a constant reminder to lose weight on top of telling from our slim past.  We need to keep them because once we lose weight we are going to look beautiful in them again. They might hang in the closet for years and we never wear them because they don’t fit anymore. We should see that it is time to get rid of stuff when we have clothes that don’t fit. But it is hard. It means letting the past go, accepting the present.

Clothes are a very obvious topic. If they don’t fit us if they have holes and we would never wear them because of it, it is time to get rid of them. It is easily identified which clothes to get rid of and therefore a perfect start for learning to make decisions. My hole course system starts with sorting out the closet and what should be in the closet for this reason. Clothes, shoes, accessories. Find the closet-organisation-course HERE and start your journey. Get rid of stuff and start to connect with people. Learn to make decisions and become confident. This course goes a lot further because it is important what we wear. It affects us immensely and our confidence and we can use it as a tool in everyday life and as a tool to grow a lot with little effort.

Our stuff reflects who we are

If we love cats we decorate our houses probably in a way that people can tell we love cats. The things we accumulate reveal our personality and habits. They become an extension of us and it is hard to get rid of stuff that is a part of us, right? You wouldn’t simply cut your hand off either and dump it?! We sometimes start to lose the ability to decide who we are and that around us are only things. They are not attached to us. And if we get rid of stuff like the decoration that reveals we love cats, we are still cat lovers after all. Cat lovers with more time for the cats because we have less stuff to take care of.

Stuff keeps dreams alive

It is hard to get rid of stuff that reminds us of who we used to be or who we want to be. We are more likely to believe our unrealistic dream when we look at the items that incorporate the dream for us. And to get rid of stuff representing a dream is like throwing away the dream itself. Again it also has this taste of security as the dream feels more real when looking at the items and more achievable. But instead of taking action we hang on to an item to have a placebo effect in a way. This is false even if we feel it for real looking at the item. It’s fantasy and takes us away from reality. Get rid of stuff, get rid of the attached glorious fantasy and you face reality. And that can be hard. But it is necessary to really live.

We paid for most of our stuff

The sunk cost syndrome makes it hard for us to get rid of stuff we paid for especially if it was expensive. If we pay for something that loses its value or we buy something we never use we cannot let it go.  Like a car. Because we paid so much to get it and now don’t want to accept it lost its value and if we let it go now we are left with the feeling of having less than nothing! We won’t get rid of stuff even if it drags us deeper down instead of lifting our spirit. It is also trying to not admit we made a mistake buying it in the first place.

Stuff to fill emotional voids

Sometimes we have the feeling we lack something in our lives and go shopping to fill this gap. Believing the more we own, the less we miss. Many times the opposite is true. Still, we get the initial thrill of now owning something we like. We get a kick out of it that doesn’t last. What we are lacking are connections with other people, friends, and company. We need others to understand and relate to us, value us for who we are. Stuff is incapable of being a friend. We have to get rid of stuff and start to connect with people. And understand we cannot fill emotional vacuums with stuff. Fill your vacuums with what is lacking: Connections, communication, understanding, love, affection, and anything along those lines we are craving for.

Fear of making a wrong decision

Making a decision that is final like throwing something in the garbage bin can make it really hard for some people to get rid of stuff. Fearing our final decision of throwing or giving something away that we are going to miss and can never get back, stops us from getting rid of stuff. It can go as far as hoarding when people start to actually not even get rid of stuff anymore anybody else classifies as garbage. It is really hard to get rid of stuff fearing wrong decisions.

Again, learning to make decisions, learning to trust ourselves, building confidence, this is what my closet-organisation-course is all about. It is the easiest way to start learning to make decisions that are right for us. The correct results -and the results are going to be correct – influence your whole life so positively that you can instantly feel the difference. You are going to want more of the same kind of change because it feels right and is good for you.

And remember, I am there for you and you are always welcome to get in touch. Write a message or Skype with me.

Letting go of stuff can mean having to process traumas first

In some cases like hoarding, keeping stuff is “the physical manifestation of the psychological side of not processing difficult or traumatic experiences” as Valentine Lion says in the comments to the video. We need to mentally process what we experience and bid bad experiences farewell and then get rid of stuff. If we try to get rid of stuff we have to tackle the psychological side first. After this process, the item becomes an item like other items. It can be hard if not impossible and very painful to get rid of stuff if we don’t succeed in that. It is not because of the item itself but the underlying psychological side of it.

We need to pause and analyze our decisions to get rid of stuff

So once again, why should we know all this? We should know this, be aware of it and really understand it because our evolutionary irrational behavior is somehow a flaw. Us human beings are smart enough to be able to overcome it, but we have to sit down and evaluate the situations carefully using our brains. We can learn when our instincts are correct and learn when to pause when our instincts kick in and we struggle reasoning them any different than by talking about our feelings. Our instincts are old. They go back at least 35 billion years ago. And in this time we changed our surrounding an awful lot and it became very complicated. Just think of the financial market.

Homo Sapiens, you better be clever!

We need to pause and think our decisions through carefully when we want to get rid of stuff. It feels hard to get rid of stuff but when we can understand why we can act accordingly. What it takes to get rid of stuff is a conscious decision followed through. Go through the moment of pain and feel free afterward, relieved and calmer.

Please engage and share your thoughts

What are your experiences with the topic? Did you get rid of stuff? Are you trying to but it doesn’t work? How does or did it feel?  Any thoughts you like to share in the comments? I would love to hear from you. What have you got on your mind regarding this topic? Would you like to share your experiences? Let’s learn together. Please share your opinion here or write me a private message so we can have a discussion.

And if you need help or a friend let me know. I am there for you.